This week, I am going to blog about things that people are afraid to talk about. Parents and adults often tell us to keep something on the down low, or not to talk about it at school. Other times, kids, especially teenagers are afraid of being different. They are afraid of reality. The reality is, everyone is different, and no one is perfect. Everyone is flawed, and everyone has sinned, or told a secret, or lied, or cheated, or stole, hurt, gossiped, or out right wronged someone or something. I can guarantee that you, and every person or species reading this blog has done nearly everything in that list. And more. It’s okay to talk about that stuff. It just happens. But something that people are often ashamed about is their personality, their true colors. Because those things are unique to every individual. I used to be very paranoid about that. If I would I would ever really fit in with my friends, or if they would ever treat me the same way after it happened. “It” being one of the biggest sadnesses in my life that I hold extremely close to my heart, and seldom share with anyone. This week my friend whose blog is The Petite Pineapple wrote a blog post this week about facing your fears. It reminded me of when I was so afraid of what anyone thought of me, that I wanted to share it with you. In October of 2009, my father was rushed to the emergency room. I was young and didn’t understand any of what my mom was telling me through tears over a choppy phone connection while she was in the emergency room with my dad. She sounded exhausted, and stressed, like she couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t think straight. I was given the day off from school the next morning. I ended up finding a extremely simplified version of what had happened. My dad the previous night had received brain surgery, and was diagnosed with brain cancer. He came home 5 days later with his head half shaved and a massive scar in the shaped of a horse shoe running along his scalp. The next year was filled with doctors appointments, home health aides, lots of babysitters, sleepovers, and playdates. I could easily say I spent most of that year away from home. I told my mom almost everyday when I woke up that I didn’t want to live at our house anymore. I kept telling myself and others, it was just boring at home, and there was nothing to do. Really my brain was just giving me an excuse to say that all I wanted was normality. I didn’t want to think about my dad or school, or anything else but normality. Home just seemed like a reminder of how sad I would feel when he wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t have many “real” friends. Sure, there were a few who pretended to be my friends because they pitied me. I knew that, but I didn’t care. I just needed to get away from the ultimate stress in my life. In about month 9 of my dad’s illness, he began becoming very weak. He stayed in bed most of the time. He couldn’t get up or sit down without any help. His eating schedule was mixed up, so he ate breakfast at dinner, and lunch at breakfast. He used a walker, then a wheelchair, then he could barely stand. It was mortifying, but so sad for me to watch him go through this. On April 14th, 2011, my father died. Most questions come about the funeral. Honestly, the first 4 months after his death were a big whirlwind of tissues, tears, cards, the scent of flowers, messy house, lasagna, counseling, and isolation. I can barely remember any specific memory, but it was just very sad. About a month after he died, my mom signed me up for a counselor. I absolutely hated it. Anytime a family member or friend, or therapist tried to talk it out, I would just walk away, or quickly change the subject. That year was excruciatingly hard for me, and my confidence. Over the years I went to various support groups, but I just couldn’t deal with all of it. I didn’t want to talk about it. It couldn’t be fixed, he was gone and I would never have that biological father figure at my high school graduation, my prom, my college graduation, my wedding, my first job, my first child. This year, I really came out of my shell. It was no longer something that I was ashamed of, it’s apart of me. Something I had officially accepted. Now I realize, 5 years after his death, I can have control of my life. Everything happens for a reason. I don’t want to be a cardboard cutout of your average American girl, I want to be me! The Legally Brunette. The one and only. I see so many girls today, so desperately trying to fill their closet with Victoria’s Secret, Pink, Hollister, Abercrombie clothes. Those clothes are quality clothing. But they are expensive. If you find yourself so desperately trying to be someone else or like someone else, check yourself. Nobody remembers when you graduate from high school the $60 jeans you wore on December 15th 2015. When you aren’t true to yourself, you and the rest of the world miss out on all the you, you have to offer the world! This year I joined a group at school for kids who have lost a parent or sibling. I was hesitant to join at first, but before I knew it, I was talking in the group, and was sharing my story. The only difference from telling it to the group rather than telling it to my friends who weren’t in the group, was that they could actually understand my pain and sadness. I finally let go of that curtain that I had somehow managed to keep up for such a long time, covering my secret. Thank you so, SO much for reading this post and the rest of my blog! You guys are the truest friends I could have. Leave a comment in the comments section below telling me what you thought of this post, if there are any posts you want me to do in the future, or, if you are feeling brave, something you feel you need to let out. A thing of your past, or something you’re worried about in your future. If someone does indeed share something of their past in the comments section below, please be respectful of what they have to say. Remember, if you know someone who has a part of their past that they usually don’t bring up, it’s best not to ask questions or bring it up, unless they want to talk about. I’ll talk to you guys soon!
Remember, this is a community of friendship and trust. If you decide to be apart of this journey on The Legally Brunette Blog, you have to be willing to trust, listen, care, grow, and not be afraid to show your silly side!!
-The Legally Brunette
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My friend’s blog: https://thepetitepineapple.wordpress.com/