Poem: “I’m thankful. And I’m sad. And I love you.” 

I’m thankful. And I’m sad. And I love you.

By The Legally Brunette

(This was written for a school assignment, so it may sound a little structured, but I wouldn’t change anything if I had to.) 

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Dear Daddy,

Thank you.

Thank you for wanting me.

No,

For needing me.

No,

For loving me.

Thank you for completing me, and then not.

You knew you were going to, well, you know.

Die.

You let me live without that knowledge tucked

Inside my porous mind.

“It’s in one ear, and out the other with that girl!”

You let me scream and cry and kick and punch,

When I’m sure you felt like doing that too.

On the inside.

You knew.

But you never stopped living for a second.

God!

You knew.

People say that “it” took you away.

That “it” killed you.

I nod, in agreement.

But a small grimace tugs at my cheeks because I know they’re crazy.

“It” didn’t kill you.

In fact,

Nothing did.

As far as I’m concerned,

You’re as alive as

My eyes dance-dance-dancing,

Busy questioning, asking, and learning,

Just like you,

Dad.

The length,

The billowing muscles that rippled across your body,

That’s gone.

The strength,

Being a grown man but not afraid to shed big,

watery,

slobbery tears,

Unapologetically so.

That’s gone.

The laughter,

Never failing to jumble up a few words, a few sounds, a few faces, a few names,

Just to reveal my roaring giggle.

That’s gone.

The love,

Letting my head cuddle up to your holey t-shirt,

Feeling your chest rise and fall,

Rise and fall.

That’s gone.

The person,

The healthy, happy, strong, wonderful man I once knew,

Decayed into cancer-infested,

Drugged,

Sick man.

Someone who I didn’t even recognize.

But you?

Your legacy is like an eternal flame that will never burn out.

It’s a roaring fire that enveloped anyone and everyone you met:

Entering as strangers, leaving as family.

I read something once,

And when I read it, I realized

That I’m not sorry for how my life turned out.

It read, Pain demands to be felt.

You taught me that brain cancer was not a defect of the brain,

But a defect of the mind.

Thank you for teaching me to feel pain.

Thank you for letting me suffer.

And, most importantly,

Thank you for allowing me to feel love.

Will there ever be enough words to describe how thankful I am for you?

No.

Will there ever be enough tears to express how sad I am that you’re gone?

Nope.

Will there ever be enough heart-shaped emojis to tell you how much I love you?

I love you l love you I love you.

I aspire to be like you, because you left this world without regret.

You lived with a purpose,

and you were determined

to create the life you

wanted others

to remember as worth living.

Even throughout your hardest test,

your purpose was never defeated.

As I write this,

Along with everything else I do,

It is because of you.

I have lived.

I have laughed.

And I have loved, all because of you.

And I’m thankful.

And I’m sad.

And I love you.

Sincerely,

(real name) The Legally Brunette

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 ~The Legally Brunette